Unpacking the myths of normal
Understanding Gabor Maté’s Ideas on Trauma, Health, and Wholeness in a Leadership context.
Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and trauma expert has been on a lecture tour in Australia recently. His work is one of a pantheon of new medical ways of looking at trauma as a society wide, intergenerational issue that saturates from the individual to society and culture. In effect as a systems approach, he challenges the very definition of "normal" in modern society especially as it relates to health and wellness.
This of course is one of the key lenses that we approach our systems based flourishing work though at DISCO. Whole people who are safe and able to be themselves without fear of judgement or being shamed are by all metrics able to flourish. This movement towards flourishing whether in culture or any part of our lives starts with us and how we have adapted relationally to our experience of the world.
In his book The Myth of Normal and throughout his lectures and interviews, Maté argues that much of what we consider normal—chronic stress, emotional suppression, and social disconnection—is actually deeply unhealthy. The rising rates of mental illness, autoimmune disease, and burnout are not individual failings but symptoms of a broader societal dysfunction.
To build the businesses, communities and relationships that matter and make meaning for our precious human lives, we must redefine normal and understand the deep connections between trauma, attachment, and health. I went to Gabor’s lecture in Melbourne, here is the distillation of his approach over 50 years as a trauma practitioner and researcher and some of the key ideas that we bring to our transformation of flourishing human systems.
The Foundations of Human Development: Attachment and Autonomy
Anyone who has worked with me knows that who we are is how we lead, and those of us who are willing to lean into ourselves and our behaviour an adaptions for safety are able to better show up for all our relationships – especially when we ar responsible for leading others.
Maté highlights three key phases of human development, each of which is essential for long-term well-being:
Secure Attachment: In early life, children need unconditional love, safety, and connection. Without this, they spend energy seeking security instead of growing and learning.
Autonomy and Individuation: As children mature, they naturally begin asserting independence—saying "no," exploring the world, and discovering their preferences. The paradox? To promote independence, we must first invite dependence.
Socialization: In a well-supported child, socialization emerges naturally as they develop a strong sense of self. However, in modern society, we often push children toward independence too soon, forcing them into peer relationships before they are emotionally ready.
When these stages are disrupted—through neglect, stress, or trauma—the consequences manifest in adulthood as anxiety, chronic illness, and difficulty forming relationships. Our childhood adaptations which are often developed when we are very young pre consciousness become traits and we don’t question when they developed or why. Personality is an affect of safety adaptation and luckily like our brains is plastic throughout our life when we look to change with intention.
Attachment vs. Authenticity: A Lifelong Dilemma
A central conflict in human development is attachment vs. authenticity. As infants, we depend on caregivers for survival. But what happens when a child’s authentic emotions—anger, sadness, joy—are met with disapproval?
If a child expresses anger and is punished or ignored, they learn: I must suppress my emotions to be loved.
If a child feels unwanted or unimportant, they may grow into adults who seek approval through overworking or caretaking.
Over time, this survival strategy disconnects them from their true selves, creating emotional and even physical health issues.
In other words, we sacrifice authenticity for attachment—and this disconnection like all our adaptations for safety follows us into adulthood. We talk a lot in leadership about authenticity and values, but we often fail to make the connection to what we have adapted away from that is actually our authentic nature of self. This paradox in who we are and who we become is often the source of much anxiety, depression, self-criticism, grief and frustration as we long for something we can’t quite reach while feeling trapped in a world of our own making.
How Trauma Shapes the Mind and Body
Maté defines trauma as not just the event itself but the internal adaptation to it. Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result.
Two Ways Trauma Affects Children
Experiencing Harm: Abuse, neglect, violence, racism, poverty, and loss all leave deep emotional and physiological scars.
Not Receiving What is Needed: Even in loving homes, children may lack validation, connection, dedicated presence and emotional support. This unmet need shapes how they see themselves and adapt for survival unsconsiously: If I am not accepted as I am, I must change who I am to be loved.
This early trauma rewires the growing and immature nervous system, leading to:
Emotional suppression
Chronic stress responses (fight, flight, freeze)
A loss of self-worth
Maté emphasizes that what we call ‘personality’ is often just a collection of survival adaptations. If we grow up being overly responsible, people-pleasing, or emotionally numb, it’s not because that’s our true nature—it’s because we had to be that way to stay safe. This is where trauma can be murky and opaque.
When we only define trauma as an incident that fits a certain definition of shock trauma, which is a common approach, and don’t recognise relational trauma as the key way that we suffer, (especially when we have many of the acceptable planks of western life: homes, food, education etc) we miss the opportunity to address the patterns of behaviour that commonly cause us the most suffering – being disconnected from other humans.
The Link Between Trauma and Physical Health
Maté argues that emotional repression has real physical consequences. Studies show strong links between trauma and chronic illness, particularly in autoimmune diseases.
Multiple Sclerosis (MS) – Often linked to unresolved grief and stress and appearing in women at three times the rate to men.
Systemic Lupus & Rheumatoid Arthritis – Tied to childhood abuse and emotional suppression.
Cancer Risk – Research (including a 1991 Australian study of prostate cancer) suggests repressed anger and chronic stress increase cancer susceptibility.
Maté references the field of psychoneuroendocrinoimmunology (PNEI), which examines how the nervous system, immune system, and hormones are interconnected. When we repress emotions like anger and grief, we weaken our immune system’s ability to fight disease. If the causes of disease are significantly influenced by the whole emotional and situational context of the person, which 1000’s of reputable medical studies have shown over decades, then we need to address the treatment of those diseases proportionally with the same attention to emotional and mental health. Who we are is how we are.
The Role of Healthy Anger
I speak more and more in workshops and training about the need for people to be able to have a full range of emotions in the workplace – with proper boundaries in place. Healthy anger is one of the most repressed and unwelcome emotions, but it is a key part of our human response. Contrary to popular belief, anger is not inherently bad—it is a biological survival mechanism which we need to honor. Healthy anger:
Sets boundaries
Signals danger
Protects us from harm
However, society conditions people—especially women—to suppress anger. Over time, this leads to chronic stress, self-doubt, and illness.
There are three common faces of anger, it is the latter two that we don’t want to encourage, but inevitably are a response to the first one not being enabled and understood:
Healthy Expression – Feeling and expressing anger appropriately.
Unhealthy Rage – Explosive, uncontrolled reactions.
Repression – Internalizing anger, leading to illness and burnout.
Healing involves reconnecting with healthy anger—learning that it’s okay to say "no" and reclaim our right to emotional boundaries.
The Road to Healthy Everything: Reconnecting to Ourselves
Maté emphasizes that our road to wholeness individually and collectively is not about “fixing” ourselves—it’s about reconnecting with who we’ve always been. The following steps are a perfect playbook to not only good leadership, but good humanship which is the core of us being who we are, allowing others to be who they are, and recognising that we are hardwired for connection, growth and flourishing as human mammals, and when we aren’t living in survival instincts, this is where we naturally trend towards. We can’t ever fix or influence anyone else, they have to make a choice for change – as we do. If we get ourselves right, the rest will follow with more grace, compassion, ease, curiousity and innovation.
Key Steps to Self-Awareness and Authenticity as Leaders
Recognising Our Adaptations
Understand that patterns like perfectionism, overworking, and people-pleasing are not personality traits—they are coping mechanisms.
Reconnecting with Authenticity
Ask: What do I truly want? What brings me joy? What emotions have I suppressed?
Embracing Emotional Expression
Give yourself permission to feel anger, sadness, grief and joy without judgment.
Healing Our Nervous System
Regulating stress through breathing, movement, and self-compassion.
Recognizing that we are not broken—we are wounded and can heal.
Fostering Deep Connection
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. We need meaningful relationships where we feel seen, heard, and valued.
Reframing ‘Normal’: A New Definition of Health
Maté challenges the myth that normal = healthy. What is considered “normal” in today’s world—chronic stress, social disconnection, emotional suppression—is actually a sign of collective dysfunction.
A truly healthy society would:
Prioritise emotional well-being and productivity in the right balance
Create workplaces and schools that nurture whole people rather than pressure
Support parents and caregivers so they can provide secure attachment in the critical years of neuro development
Encourage authenticity, not just compliance
Growth begins when we question what we’ve been taught to accept as “normal”—and choose a new path.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Maté reminds us that self-awareness is not about blame—it’s about understanding. Many of us internalised survival mechanisms as children, but that doesn’t mean we have to stay trapped in them. Through self-compassion, connection, and a willingness to feel our emotions fully and action who and how we want to show up in all areas of our life, we can begin the journey back to our true selves. By challenging the myth of normal, we open the door to a healthier, more connected, and more authentic way of living.